could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
