i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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