a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I looked at my own cervix.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
