pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
