is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
