When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize