He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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