i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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