The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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