My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
