dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
