Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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