I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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