This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
