i think my tv is drunk
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
