i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize