Swine flu. Run for my life!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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