new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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