I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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