Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
