I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
