i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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