I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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