I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
