dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
