Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
