I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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