just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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