I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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