He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
