The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize