did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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