you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
