running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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