Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
