Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
