I'm eating all of the evidence.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
