I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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