I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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