I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
