I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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