I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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