this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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