You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
