the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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