I love black thongs
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
