the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
