I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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