is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
