Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dignity is for republicans.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize