did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
