who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
