Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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