i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
