For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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