Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
