Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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